Let's Get it Started...Or So I Thought!

Well, I was so excited that AF graced me with her presence and that meant beginning our first IVF cycle. Or so I thought!I called and got my protocol, had my 3-day BW, scheduled my mock transfer for tomorrow and my hsg for Monday. I dropped off my prescriptions and was patiently waiting for CD10 to start OPK. Or so I thought. I went today for a routine follow-up for the blood clot that I developed after my sprained ankle. I had the u/s 2 weeks ago and saw the dr. today. The clot got even smaller and there is now blood flow in that last vessel. Yay! Or so I thought. The dr. asked about the coumadin and if I was having any side effects from it. I told him no but that I was starting an IVF cycle so my RE wants me to go back on Lovenox instead if coumadin. He shook is hid and looked at me with puzzled eyes. He said, "Melissa, you cannot do an IVF cycle right now. Not while you still have the clot. Give it another 3 months." WTF? Are you kidding me? I tried to stop it. I really did. But, I just couldn't. I broke down like a blubbering idiot. I felt like a complete imbecile. My dr. had a dr. that was joining his practice in the room as well as the nurse. So there I am trying to ask and answer questions and I literally couldn't catch my breath. I sounded like a child having a tantrum not able to speak a complete sentence because I was crying so much. He said it's only 3 months. That's not very long. I said, "It is when you've waited for 7 years." I'm going to be 38 on Saturday and that number sounded bad enough to me to have a baby but now, I'll be 39 if the IVF is successful when I would actually give birth. I think it hit me that hard because it was completely unexpected. They left after telling me to take a moment. I immediately called dh who tried to calm me down. I had to go straight to a hair cut appt. I told them all that I had a severe allergy attack in order to explain my exceptionally red, puffy eyes and stuffy nose. What a mess. So I get in there and am ready to just forget it for an hour. Or so I thought. A lady came in and sat in the chair next to me. A full-figured women so I didn't take notice immediately. Then I heard, "I'm pregnant and it's twins." I wanted so badly to run out of there crying with wet, half-cut hair. But I did not. Luckily she went to have her hair washed and I was done by the time she came back. Ugh! Now, we have some decision to make. We had already been in communication with an adoption agency and have all the paperwork. The agency does not allow clients to go through infertility while being in the waiting family list. So, we put the paperwork in a desk and let it sit. Now, I am thinking that it might be worth starting the process since I can complete paper work while having a blood clot. I have so many emotions right now and I am having trouble working through them. Please pray for me and my thoughts.

ttfn,

Melissa

CD1

Yippee!!! Never have I been so happy to see my AF. She is usually a hated relative bringing bad news to our humble household. However, this month, she has arrived to open arms and a big welcoming smile. I love her, for this month only, because she brings hope and the beginning of this next big adventure in our lives. We are pinning everything on the cycle that she has just gotten underway. We, more I, have decided that this will be our only "fresh" IVF cycle. If this first round is not successful, we will begin to move forward with adoption. If we are lucky enough to have any frosties then we will use those until there are no more. I will be 38, dear God, in one week. I really don't care how I become a mommy, I just want to join that club. My mom asked me a really good question when we were deciding during the ectopic whether to go IVF or adoption. She said, "Do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be a mom?" That really hit me because, of course, I want to be pregnant, but I want to be a mom more. So, we have a plan and a plan B. I think that's why I'm so positive about the future. I am not pinning all of my hopes on IVF. I know we will be a family one way or another. But, for now...YIPPEE for good ole' AF and the beginning of CD1.

TPWA

Well, I m back from my wonderfully relaxing time in the Poconos. However, my every bathroom break was accompanied by the tp search. I'm sure you all know the one...is that?...pink?...brown?...anything?...NO! While I am searching though, I realize that this search is in hopes of finding something, not the post-BFP searching and hoping to not see something. Wow, IF really messes with the brain! It makes me so angry to read all of my blog friends who have become pregnant not being able to truly enjoy the bliss because of IF. I remember that bliss. I had it once. My first pregnancy I was blissfully unaware of the fact that something could go wrong for no reason whatsoever. Even at the first sight of spotting, I was thoroughly convinced to not give it another thought because it was perfectly normal to have implantation bleeding. Even my second pregnancy, I wasn't too concerned knowing that (OMG!) one-third of all first pg's end in m/c. Surely I was one of those. No bleeding...great! No doubling...sucky! So, with this third one, as soon as I got the BFP and it was confirmed with the beta the next day, I couldn't be completely happy. I was just waiting for that shoe to drop. And boy, did it drop...THUD! Now, I am watching and examining the tp each bathroom trip so that I know exactly when CD1 is and I can call the clinic to get this next cycle under way! Although, I believe I will be starting a new support group if it is a success...TPWA...or Toilet Paper Watcher's Anonymous!

ttfn,

Melissa

Negative!

I've had some issues with getting to my blog to post so please forgive me for being gone for almost a week. I am negative! I think this may be the first time in my life where "being negative" is a positive thing. As of this past Friday, my hcg is finally below 5...negative. It seems a little strange to celebrate being "not pregnant" but in this particular case, it means moving closer to our first IVF cycle. We've mourned our third loss, one through a natural miscarriage and two ectopics, and now we are ready to move on to our next step in this process know as IF. As for now, we are in our holding pattern waiting for AF to arrive so that we can begin our IVF cycle. Although, as of Friday, we are now slightly closer to coming in for a landing.

On another note, I am heading to the Poconos today for a well deserved "Girls' Week" break. My dh is staying home and will be a single dad to our 3 cats and 2 dogs. Unfortunately, her has exhausted a lot of his leave and will need to save some for the upcoming cycle. He is awesome and totally understands that I need this and is happy that I am able to get away from it all. I love him!

Still a pin cushion...

Well, I may be down to once per week for beta draws until I'm below 5, but I am still getting blood drawn weekly because I'm on Coumadin. I injured my ankle (thought broken, casted it, finally able to x-ray and severe sprain with ligament damage) at the end of May. This led to a blood clot. Because I was pregnant at the time, I was put on Lovenox injections twice per day. This is the only blood thinner safe for pregnancy. Once it was determined the pregnancy was ectopic, I was switched to Coumadin. I guess the once per week blood work for this is better than the twice a day injections. But, if I start to miss those lovely bruises and hemotomas, there is some comfort in knowing that my RE wants me to start the Lovenox up again when we begin our IVF cycle in late August/early September. These will continue through week 13 of a pregnancy. Great!!! I can't wait for the day when I only have to go to the dr.'s because I'm actually sick and only get stick with a needle when I'm really sick. Until then, I'll just keep looking the other way knowing that this is what I need to do to have a child.

In other news, I am so excited that I made a new friend. Kelli over at Life, Love and TTC Mysteries tagged me for an award! Thanks, Kelli! If you have some time and compassion to share, stop over and give her a hug...she has some decisions to make and could use some support.

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered.
Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Here are a few new blogs that I've discovered. They all sound like really great women who have and are continuing to go through the trials and tribulations of IF...

Ally

Fran

Peaches

CT

Shannon

Murgdan

Andrea

Sweetpeanme

Mrs. Hammer

Katie

KT

BB

Katie

JaneG

Michelle

I hope everyone gets a chance to check out these blogs. Have a great day!

TTFN,

Melissa

ARGH!

I had what I hoped would be my final blood draw today to let me know that AF would be rearing her usually ugly but this time welcomed head. I was hoping beyond hope that I would finally be below 5...nope...10.8...ARGH! So another blood draw next Friday. That better be it. I want to move on with our first IVF cycle and we can't do that until AF comes. We did, however, sign all of our consent forms for IVF. That felt good. I feel like at least I was able to do something during this horrid waiting game. I don't want to wish my summer away but I want to get this process started. Have I mentioned Im not the most patient person in the world...

TTFN,

Melissa

They're ba-ack!

Those nasty, jealous feelings. Last year I got to deal with a teammate who got pregnant on purpose to try to make her boyfriend of 8 years propose. So mature, I know. While she will never admit to the "on purpose" part of the whole thing, everyone in the world knows it to be true. BF stayed but did not propose. He's been a great support and new dad, she is one lucky sh**. That was a very difficult school year to watch her belly grow and hear how she didn't even know until she was 5 months, whatever. All the baby talk made us want to run the other way. Especially since two of us are going through infertility. Yes, two teachers in first grade at the same school are going through IF. Craziness. Anyway, yesterday my good friend and teammate came to visit me. She called out of the blue and said she'd be in my town for bloodwork and wanted to know if she could stop by. I didn't think much of it because this is not completely out of the ordinary. After hanging out and joking around for about 2 hours, she proceeded to tell me that she's 5 weeks pregnant. She's about to be 37 and has been with her boyfriend for about a year. They've talked marriage but not for another year or so. She told him to not propose just because of the baby. She is completely conflicted. She's shocked, scared, nervous and completely anxious. She knows that she's getting older and time is running out so on one hand she's looking at this as a blessing but on the other hand this was not in her plan and she's a planner! While I do feel for her and the feelings towards her are completely different than my immature teammate's pregnancy, I am still jealous and quite upset. She did apologize to me because she knew how it would make me feel. Hey, it's not her fault I'm going through his, right. But still, those feelings are there. I'm just so tired of having to do what us IF's have to go through to get and stay pregnant and have all of these "accidents" happening around me. UGH! I'm feeling sorry for myself today!

Changing my current hat...

I have been wearing the hat of an infertile lady as well as a loss lady this summer. Today I am taking off those hats and putting on my appalled teacher hat for the day. We received our schedule for the upcoming school year and it is going to be awful for the kids. They will have reading at the end of the day and at the age of 6, this is normally the time they are ready to go home! They also gave us no transition times. Apparently we can end math at 10:35 but also be half way across the school at the same exact time to begin our specials (Art, Music, PE) at 10:35. Also, it is also thought that we can pick them up from recess and begin reading at the exact same time. I guess we can learn a lot from Star Trek and just beam into the building so it doesn't take us the typical 5 minutes to get back into the building. The last irrational thought from our fearless leaders is that we can end reading at 3:20 while simultaneously being dismissed at 3:20. Since some of our kids go to a different reading class, this should be easy...not! I know that nobody gets their ideal schedule but OMG! Ours couldn't be any worse. Couple this with an early school year first IVF cycle and hopefully a pregnancy I should be a big ball of stress. Hopefully, I can just leave it all at the school and not bring it home. We'll see!

TTFN,

Melissa

Coming in for a landing...

I hate the waiting game. Waiting for the BFP, waiting for that first set of beta numbers, waiting for the second round of beta numbers to see if they double, waiting to see if the numbers mean it's ectopic or just a slow rising hcg, waiting for the first ultrasound, waiting for the first methotrexate shot, waiting for the numbers to start to go down, waiting to technically be "not pregnant" anymore, waiting to start that first period, waiting for the next step in the whole dang process. We are currently in the "waiting to technically be "not pregnant" stage. I don't like this stage. It's like a holding pattern circling the airport, there's not much you can do until you receive clearance from the tower. My next round of bloodwork is scheduled for this Friday. Hopefully I will be below 5 and not something ridiculous like 7. I'm tired of being a pin cushion. I'll do enough of that with the first IVF cycle. Anyway, I'm ready to move on. Now I'm just waiting for clearance to do so.

TTFN,

Melissa

I'm getting there!

Well my latest hcg number is 25.7. This means we are that much closer to beginning our IVF protocol. I confirmed with our nurse that I only had to be 2 1/2-3 months after my methotrexate shot to begin the stims not the lupron. So as soon as I get my first AF, most likely we'll start the protocal. Yeah! This means probably a September ER and ET. Just in time for the first few weeks of school.

TTFN!

Melissa

I've decided to take up swimming again to get into baby-making IVF shape. We've got about another month or so before we can begin our first cycle. It's been years since I've done laps so I'm not expecting much in the beginning. I guess my hope is to not drown. My hubby and I joined an aquatic center and went last night for the first time. It felt great. I don't know why I ever stopped. I figure I should make the most of our waiting game and what better than to shed some pounds and inches and get into fighting shape. Or at least do the best I can in the next month or so.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I have another round of bloodwork to see how far down the hcg has gone. I was at 46 on Monday so I'm hoping for another good drop so AF can come on down. The sooner we can start this whole procedure, the better. I am not looking forward to doing this at the beginning of the school year but it is what it is and I have been told it will be well worth it in the end. I am almost positive it will be.

TTFN,

Melissa

Hello to the blog world. This is my first official blog in the blogosphere. I have been reading other blogs from women in the IF club like me. I always think, "I should start to blog about my experiences as a way to keep my sanity through all of this. Since this is my first post, I thought I'd give a brief background on the life of me and what prompted this introduction to my new world of blogging.

My husband and I were married on July 28, 2001. We began ttc in April '04 and became pregnant that first month. We miscaarried in May at 5/6 weeks. We took some time off from officially ttc and began actively ttc again in July '05 and became pregnant the 2nd month only to have it end at 6 weeks as an ectopic. I received a methotrexate shot and was able to avoid a D & C. It took until Thanksgiving to be completely resolved so I needed a mental break, thinking we had plenty of time. We started to ttc again, not faithfully, in April '06 with no luck for about a year. We didn't think anything of it because we weren't "actively" trying...just not preventing. In June of '07 my husband, Jamie, was diagnosed, out of the blue, with Type 1 Diabetes. We decided to take a ttc break until we got all of his insulin and stuff figured out. Then, in September, just 3 months later, he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. He had it removed in January '08 and had radiation in March '08. Due to the radiation we went on a forced ttc break until July '08. We tried for 6 months with no luck. This time I was on a rampage with the OPK's and making sure our timing was right. Nothing. Nada. My OB said at my age, 6 months and nothing means testing time. So, we did. Jamie had a low count with not great morphology. OB suggested to go off Soy, which he had been drinking because it's lower in sugar. He did and a month later his numbers were awesome. I checked out except for my FSH level was too high. He didn't give us much of a chance but sent us to Shady Grove Fertility anyway. We got a wonderful FS and nurse. He didn't seem to think my FSH would be much of a problem so we did our first IUI on 5/15/09 with a BFP only to find out it was another ectopic...sucky!

Next chapter: The day I found out I was pregnant, I fell in my classroom and broke my ankle, or so they thought...no x-rays. Once they could do them, they determined it was a severe sprain with ligament damage. In the meanwhile, they discovered a blood clot most likely brought on by the trauma to the ankle, tight cast and hormones I was on. So I was put on an injectable blood thinner safe for pregnancy. I was recently moved to Coumadin until the middle of August. At that point, hopefully my numbers will be below 5 and we can begin the first phase of our IVF cycle. My FS wants me to go back on the injectable blood thinner, Lovenox, throughout the cycle and until I'm 13 weeks pregnant, if we are successful. GRRR! It is not a fun injectable...not that any of them are but they leave hideous bruises and hematomas.

So, that is where I am at right now. We are playing a waiting game. We need to be 2-3 months out from my last methotrexate shot which was June 17 so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the end of August.

I guess that's a lot to digest for my first post. Sorry! I promise to make it less intense in future posts.

TTFN,

Melissa