Thursday, August 20, 2009

Let's Get it Started...Or So I Thought!

Well, I was so excited that AF graced me with her presence and that meant beginning our first IVF cycle. Or so I thought!I called and got my protocol, had my 3-day BW, scheduled my mock transfer for tomorrow and my hsg for Monday. I dropped off my prescriptions and was patiently waiting for CD10 to start OPK. Or so I thought. I went today for a routine follow-up for the blood clot that I developed after my sprained ankle. I had the u/s 2 weeks ago and saw the dr. today. The clot got even smaller and there is now blood flow in that last vessel. Yay! Or so I thought. The dr. asked about the coumadin and if I was having any side effects from it. I told him no but that I was starting an IVF cycle so my RE wants me to go back on Lovenox instead if coumadin. He shook is hid and looked at me with puzzled eyes. He said, "Melissa, you cannot do an IVF cycle right now. Not while you still have the clot. Give it another 3 months." WTF? Are you kidding me? I tried to stop it. I really did. But, I just couldn't. I broke down like a blubbering idiot. I felt like a complete imbecile. My dr. had a dr. that was joining his practice in the room as well as the nurse. So there I am trying to ask and answer questions and I literally couldn't catch my breath. I sounded like a child having a tantrum not able to speak a complete sentence because I was crying so much. He said it's only 3 months. That's not very long. I said, "It is when you've waited for 7 years." I'm going to be 38 on Saturday and that number sounded bad enough to me to have a baby but now, I'll be 39 if the IVF is successful when I would actually give birth. I think it hit me that hard because it was completely unexpected. They left after telling me to take a moment. I immediately called dh who tried to calm me down. I had to go straight to a hair cut appt. I told them all that I had a severe allergy attack in order to explain my exceptionally red, puffy eyes and stuffy nose. What a mess. So I get in there and am ready to just forget it for an hour. Or so I thought. A lady came in and sat in the chair next to me. A full-figured women so I didn't take notice immediately. Then I heard, "I'm pregnant and it's twins." I wanted so badly to run out of there crying with wet, half-cut hair. But I did not. Luckily she went to have her hair washed and I was done by the time she came back. Ugh! Now, we have some decision to make. We had already been in communication with an adoption agency and have all the paperwork. The agency does not allow clients to go through infertility while being in the waiting family list. So, we put the paperwork in a desk and let it sit. Now, I am thinking that it might be worth starting the process since I can complete paper work while having a blood clot. I have so many emotions right now and I am having trouble working through them. Please pray for me and my thoughts.


Sunday, August 16, 2009


Yippee!!! Never have I been so happy to see my AF. She is usually a hated relative bringing bad news to our humble household. However, this month, she has arrived to open arms and a big welcoming smile. I love her, for this month only, because she brings hope and the beginning of this next big adventure in our lives. We are pinning everything on the cycle that she has just gotten underway. We, more I, have decided that this will be our only "fresh" IVF cycle. If this first round is not successful, we will begin to move forward with adoption. If we are lucky enough to have any frosties then we will use those until there are no more. I will be 38, dear God, in one week. I really don't care how I become a mommy, I just want to join that club. My mom asked me a really good question when we were deciding during the ectopic whether to go IVF or adoption. She said, "Do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be a mom?" That really hit me because, of course, I want to be pregnant, but I want to be a mom more. So, we have a plan and a plan B. I think that's why I'm so positive about the future. I am not pinning all of my hopes on IVF. I know we will be a family one way or another. But, for now...YIPPEE for good ole' AF and the beginning of CD1.

Saturday, August 15, 2009


Well, I m back from my wonderfully relaxing time in the Poconos. However, my every bathroom break was accompanied by the tp search. I'm sure you all know the that?! While I am searching though, I realize that this search is in hopes of finding something, not the post-BFP searching and hoping to not see something. Wow, IF really messes with the brain! It makes me so angry to read all of my blog friends who have become pregnant not being able to truly enjoy the bliss because of IF. I remember that bliss. I had it once. My first pregnancy I was blissfully unaware of the fact that something could go wrong for no reason whatsoever. Even at the first sight of spotting, I was thoroughly convinced to not give it another thought because it was perfectly normal to have implantation bleeding. Even my second pregnancy, I wasn't too concerned knowing that (OMG!) one-third of all first pg's end in m/c. Surely I was one of those. No bleeding...great! No doubling...sucky! So, with this third one, as soon as I got the BFP and it was confirmed with the beta the next day, I couldn't be completely happy. I was just waiting for that shoe to drop. And boy, did it drop...THUD! Now, I am watching and examining the tp each bathroom trip so that I know exactly when CD1 is and I can call the clinic to get this next cycle under way! Although, I believe I will be starting a new support group if it is a success...TPWA...or Toilet Paper Watcher's Anonymous!


Sunday, August 9, 2009


I've had some issues with getting to my blog to post so please forgive me for being gone for almost a week. I am negative! I think this may be the first time in my life where "being negative" is a positive thing. As of this past Friday, my hcg is finally below 5...negative. It seems a little strange to celebrate being "not pregnant" but in this particular case, it means moving closer to our first IVF cycle. We've mourned our third loss, one through a natural miscarriage and two ectopics, and now we are ready to move on to our next step in this process know as IF. As for now, we are in our holding pattern waiting for AF to arrive so that we can begin our IVF cycle. Although, as of Friday, we are now slightly closer to coming in for a landing.

On another note, I am heading to the Poconos today for a well deserved "Girls' Week" break. My dh is staying home and will be a single dad to our 3 cats and 2 dogs. Unfortunately, her has exhausted a lot of his leave and will need to save some for the upcoming cycle. He is awesome and totally understands that I need this and is happy that I am able to get away from it all. I love him!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Still a pin cushion...

Well, I may be down to once per week for beta draws until I'm below 5, but I am still getting blood drawn weekly because I'm on Coumadin. I injured my ankle (thought broken, casted it, finally able to x-ray and severe sprain with ligament damage) at the end of May. This led to a blood clot. Because I was pregnant at the time, I was put on Lovenox injections twice per day. This is the only blood thinner safe for pregnancy. Once it was determined the pregnancy was ectopic, I was switched to Coumadin. I guess the once per week blood work for this is better than the twice a day injections. But, if I start to miss those lovely bruises and hemotomas, there is some comfort in knowing that my RE wants me to start the Lovenox up again when we begin our IVF cycle in late August/early September. These will continue through week 13 of a pregnancy. Great!!! I can't wait for the day when I only have to go to the dr.'s because I'm actually sick and only get stick with a needle when I'm really sick. Until then, I'll just keep looking the other way knowing that this is what I need to do to have a child.

In other news, I am so excited that I made a new friend. Kelli over at Life, Love and TTC Mysteries tagged me for an award! Thanks, Kelli! If you have some time and compassion to share, stop over and give her a hug...she has some decisions to make and could use some support.
The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered.
Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Here are a few new blogs that I've discovered. They all sound like really great women who have and are continuing to go through the trials and tribulations of IF...


I hope everyone gets a chance to check out these blogs. Have a great day!


Friday, July 31, 2009


I had what I hoped would be my final blood draw today to let me know that AF would be rearing her usually ugly but this time welcomed head. I was hoping beyond hope that I would finally be below 5...nope...10.8...ARGH! So another blood draw next Friday. That better be it. I want to move on with our first IVF cycle and we can't do that until AF comes. We did, however, sign all of our consent forms for IVF. That felt good. I feel like at least I was able to do something during this horrid waiting game. I don't want to wish my summer away but I want to get this process started. Have I mentioned Im not the most patient person in the world...


Thursday, July 30, 2009

They're ba-ack!

Those nasty, jealous feelings. Last year I got to deal with a teammate who got pregnant on purpose to try to make her boyfriend of 8 years propose. So mature, I know. While she will never admit to the "on purpose" part of the whole thing, everyone in the world knows it to be true. BF stayed but did not propose. He's been a great support and new dad, she is one lucky sh**. That was a very difficult school year to watch her belly grow and hear how she didn't even know until she was 5 months, whatever. All the baby talk made us want to run the other way. Especially since two of us are going through infertility. Yes, two teachers in first grade at the same school are going through IF. Craziness. Anyway, yesterday my good friend and teammate came to visit me. She called out of the blue and said she'd be in my town for bloodwork and wanted to know if she could stop by. I didn't think much of it because this is not completely out of the ordinary. After hanging out and joking around for about 2 hours, she proceeded to tell me that she's 5 weeks pregnant. She's about to be 37 and has been with her boyfriend for about a year. They've talked marriage but not for another year or so. She told him to not propose just because of the baby. She is completely conflicted. She's shocked, scared, nervous and completely anxious. She knows that she's getting older and time is running out so on one hand she's looking at this as a blessing but on the other hand this was not in her plan and she's a planner! While I do feel for her and the feelings towards her are completely different than my immature teammate's pregnancy, I am still jealous and quite upset. She did apologize to me because she knew how it would make me feel. Hey, it's not her fault I'm going through his, right. But still, those feelings are there. I'm just so tired of having to do what us IF's have to go through to get and stay pregnant and have all of these "accidents" happening around me. UGH! I'm feeling sorry for myself today!